A Letter....

Dear 75 Pounds,

I am writing to you because I think it is time that we start thinking about taking some time apart. I know that this might come as a shock to you since I have kept you around so long and relied on you many times...but this is something that needs to happen. I need to step up to the plate and do all of this on my own.

I know that you did not ask to be here and that I am the reason you are, but now I need to be the reason for you to go. You have been with me for quite some time now and I am scared that I am going to get to the point where I don't see you anymore and just accept that you will always be here with me.

It would be very dumb of me to think that the only reason you are here is because I never met a Pumpkin Muffin I didn't like and because I said yes to one too many late night Taco Bell runs. I know that - that did not help the cause but I also now know that your job was much bigger than that.

Your job for the past two years has had a few title...comfort...fear...self doubt...and failure. You have been there for me when I have needed you the most....you always stepped in and took the fall for the real issue. You were there for me when I was hiding a very bad case of depression after Faye was born...you were there for me every late night of homework when all I could think is "if I do not finish I am failing my family"....you were there for me when I was hurt to my core and thrown away by my sister...but most of all you were there for me when no one else
was.

When I thought that there was no one to turn to but you, because you were the only one that I knew would never judge me.

I have tired many times to leave you. I thought that signing up for a 5k and having a deadline would some how magically "fix" everything and I would be ready...I thought coming up with a daily thought of why you needed to go would be the key...but those things did not work. They did not work because deep down I thought that I still needed you.

Yes, I was pregnant back to back...but now I am not.

Yes, depression is horrible and unless you have been there you should never judge...but I have cleared those dark clouds.

Yes, going to school while trying to raise four kids and keep up a relationship with my husband sucks sometimes...but I am half way there and once I am done no one can ever take that away from me.

Yes, losing a relationship takes a part of you that can never heal...but as much as I hate to say she does not care and nor you or I can fix that.

I have given you way too much power over me. I have let you rule my life for too long, and I am just tired of it. I have let you make choices that I can never take back...do you know that I have two pictures of me and Faye together and she is almost 2 years old?! And to be honest I have no pictures of me and Vaughn together and he is eight months old. I have let you have over two years of my life because I thought I wasn't worth it...and I did not want to look down and see you and see my failure looking back at me.

I know that some people might find a letter to 75 pounds a little on the dumb side and that is okay...but this is something that I needed to do for me.

I need to say good bye to you and actually mean it...I need to believe in myself and not fall back on anymore excuses...I need to get through to my head and my heart that keeping you around is not going to guard my heart from hurt or protect me from feelings I do not want to face.

People say that no one can make you want to do something...you have to want to do it. And they are right...many people have told me that you werent as bad as I made you out to be or that it was okay that you were still with me....but now I am ready to done with you.

I need to be free of you. I need to do the work alone. I need to feel the pain alone. I need to celebrate the joys on my own. I need to be the one they see when I walk in a room...not you...I am finally done sharing my spotlight with you....I deserve to shine on my own.

So, to end I want to say thank you...thank you for helping me become the person I am inside. Having you here all around me has forced me to look at why you were even here in the first place. And I actually really like me...and there is no longer room for both of us here.

I hope that you understand that I can't wait for you to go....but I know that it took you awhile to get here so you wont be gone by the time I wake up. But the difference is tomorrow I will wake up knowing one thing for sure.......It is time for me.....not you.

Already I am backed up on my blogs!! ha! Better get used to that...

Yesterday I ran for something that I am pretty sure that I will be talking about again...and again...and again.....

My Dad's wife has Alzheimer's at the age of 56. 56 YEARS YOUNG!!! This makes me more upset than I can ever say...she is a strong, smart, and young. And yet all of those things do not matter when it comes to this ugly and sad disease.

I am not going to sit here and pretend that her & I are very close...we are not. To be honest I talked to my father for the first time in four years last week. After my divorce our relatioship was gone...but I hope that we can mend that. I think that it is very possible but we both just need to move out of the past and think about our relationship going forward. But I cannot even start to imagine what he is going through now...as a caregiver instead of a husband.

She was a runner...she ran the Boston Marathon and now she can even write her name on paper. When I think about it--it makes me so sad but then very pissed off...why is there even such a thing called Alzheimer's...why haven't we found a cure?!

So when I worked out yesterday I thought about her....fighting to just even get through her day and trying to find her way in a world that used to be filled with her life....work, running, and finally finding love with my Dad.....

But also for my Dad...to be a caregiver to someone that is your spouse...your partner...when you are supposed to be planning your retirerment...I know he must be anger, I think I would be.

I am seeing my Dad for the first time in six weeks and I am very nervous. He has yet to meet my husband...hell he has yet to meet his youngest two grandchildren! I know that things will be okay...that might not be perfect but family never is....but I do love him...with all of his faults and all of mine. He is my Dad...you only get one so I am going to do what I have to - to make sure we do not lose our relationship again...

She deserves more out of life...and I wish I could make things better for her...her son...and my dad.

Today I Run For...

So, even after only two days of having a blog I have already changed paths...I will still be writing about the journey I am going on but I wanted to do in a different way. On my FaceBook page I have been saying why I am getting my butt on the treadmill and I really like what this does for me on the journey and me on the treadmill.



I needed to stop focusing on just getting skinny...I would think about just getting back to the "Old Cindy" and never think about why I actually need to get on the treadmill everyday. I would talk a big talk but the truth of the matter is I just want the Old Cindy's body back...and I want it back now!!



Then I got into a big rut and lost all desire to do anything...and finally one day I did what Cindy does best...I turned it into what I could do for someone else. And when I really thought about it, it did help me in the process. When on the treadmill I would think about my "Daily Run Thought" and not about getting skinny, getting skinny, and getting skinny. I ran better, my thoughts were more positive, and I gained much more insight on what I had chosen for my daily thought.

My first daily run thought was about my husband Doug's Aunt Betty that had passed this past week. She was only 62. I was not very close to her but the time that I spent with her was nice. She was a sweet woman. Her son had just had a heart attack a few weeks back and now she is gone. A long time ago 62 was a good long life....but now that is still young.

So, I ran for her. I got up off the couch and stopped feeling sorry for myself...something that I have to work on.

The Hello Blog

I have come to realize that life is every changing and the key is to make sure that you try and keep up with it. My issue is that I can keep up with life...it is the keeping up with me that I have trouble with.

I have also come to realize that after a divorce...getting remarried...having four kids...going back to school...moving around this country for the past 14 years...and losing a relationship with my sister, that you can't really ever go back. I have been telling myself since the birth of my last child about 6 months ago, that when I get back to "this" I will be happy. But what is "this?" I am not going to be the same person I was before I became a wife and mother. And to be honest I would not want to be that person.

What I now have to come to realize, which is hard for women like myself, is that after four babies and being 32 my BODY will not be the same. Now that is something that I struggle with on an everyday basis. I have tremendous body issues that I truly hope to overcome...so does my husband! So why is it easy for me to accept that my mind has grown and changed and I am fighting the acceptance of my body changing? Well, this will be my journey to try and answer that question.

I can tell you right now that I will not blog everyday...and I can't tell you that my post will not being missing words here or there...but what I can tell you is that I am going to be painfully honest. I know that some days will be great and some days are going to really suck but things like this are not meant to be easy...if it were you would not treasure it once you get there.