A Letter....

Dear 75 Pounds,

I am writing to you because I think it is time that we start thinking about taking some time apart. I know that this might come as a shock to you since I have kept you around so long and relied on you many times...but this is something that needs to happen. I need to step up to the plate and do all of this on my own.

I know that you did not ask to be here and that I am the reason you are, but now I need to be the reason for you to go. You have been with me for quite some time now and I am scared that I am going to get to the point where I don't see you anymore and just accept that you will always be here with me.

It would be very dumb of me to think that the only reason you are here is because I never met a Pumpkin Muffin I didn't like and because I said yes to one too many late night Taco Bell runs. I know that - that did not help the cause but I also now know that your job was much bigger than that.

Your job for the past two years has had a few title...comfort...fear...self doubt...and failure. You have been there for me when I have needed you the most....you always stepped in and took the fall for the real issue. You were there for me when I was hiding a very bad case of depression after Faye was born...you were there for me every late night of homework when all I could think is "if I do not finish I am failing my family"....you were there for me when I was hurt to my core and thrown away by my sister...but most of all you were there for me when no one else
was.

When I thought that there was no one to turn to but you, because you were the only one that I knew would never judge me.

I have tired many times to leave you. I thought that signing up for a 5k and having a deadline would some how magically "fix" everything and I would be ready...I thought coming up with a daily thought of why you needed to go would be the key...but those things did not work. They did not work because deep down I thought that I still needed you.

Yes, I was pregnant back to back...but now I am not.

Yes, depression is horrible and unless you have been there you should never judge...but I have cleared those dark clouds.

Yes, going to school while trying to raise four kids and keep up a relationship with my husband sucks sometimes...but I am half way there and once I am done no one can ever take that away from me.

Yes, losing a relationship takes a part of you that can never heal...but as much as I hate to say she does not care and nor you or I can fix that.

I have given you way too much power over me. I have let you rule my life for too long, and I am just tired of it. I have let you make choices that I can never take back...do you know that I have two pictures of me and Faye together and she is almost 2 years old?! And to be honest I have no pictures of me and Vaughn together and he is eight months old. I have let you have over two years of my life because I thought I wasn't worth it...and I did not want to look down and see you and see my failure looking back at me.

I know that some people might find a letter to 75 pounds a little on the dumb side and that is okay...but this is something that I needed to do for me.

I need to say good bye to you and actually mean it...I need to believe in myself and not fall back on anymore excuses...I need to get through to my head and my heart that keeping you around is not going to guard my heart from hurt or protect me from feelings I do not want to face.

People say that no one can make you want to do something...you have to want to do it. And they are right...many people have told me that you werent as bad as I made you out to be or that it was okay that you were still with me....but now I am ready to done with you.

I need to be free of you. I need to do the work alone. I need to feel the pain alone. I need to celebrate the joys on my own. I need to be the one they see when I walk in a room...not you...I am finally done sharing my spotlight with you....I deserve to shine on my own.

So, to end I want to say thank you...thank you for helping me become the person I am inside. Having you here all around me has forced me to look at why you were even here in the first place. And I actually really like me...and there is no longer room for both of us here.

I hope that you understand that I can't wait for you to go....but I know that it took you awhile to get here so you wont be gone by the time I wake up. But the difference is tomorrow I will wake up knowing one thing for sure.......It is time for me.....not you.